Razzle Dazzle

As you know, about 1 week ago today I went into hospital. As a lot of you are unsure about what happened I’ve decided to write about it. So, in good old diary form; here’s what happened.

Tuesday

I woke up about 4.50am and 10 mins later I felt my heart beating about 200bpm. I ignored it and went back to sleep. I woke up later in the morning with what felt like my bed shaking from my heart pounding. Again I just ignored it and thought it would go away. I felt my pulse and it was MENTAL. Really fast, no rests and so irregular! I let speck feel it and she said go to A&E if it gets no better. I didn’t want to so I just left it assuming it would go away. I went to bed that night, again with my chest pounding and feeling uncomfortable from it.

Wednesday

I had a clinic appointment at Chelsea and Westminster hospital for my INR level (blood thinness levels) If any of you didn’t know I was put on warfrin because I had heart problems when I was a kid. I felt fine but could still feel my heart thumping and my pulse still felt scarily fast. I walked out of my flat and up to Regency Café (if anyone has ever been to my flat they’ll know that café is less than 3 mins walk away) I got to the café and bought a drink it was SO hot. I bought my drink and walked to the door but felt physically drained and weak, I thought I had the flu so I just drank some water and carried on. I got about 3 mins further up the road and all of a sudden I went all light headed and dizzy and I thought my heart was going to explode inside me. I looked at my hands and they were white. Some bloke off the street must have seen me looking blue (my lips went blue) and called an ambulance. I got in the ambulance and saw my heart beat on the monitor and it was 145bpm. When I got to the hospital I text speck and waited for her. I got taken to Guys and St Thomas’s hospital, put in A&E, got attached to monitors and got examined by the Drs. One Dr said I was fine and just had a fast heart rate so I could go home, until they did an ECG. It was mental!

So, they took me to the recovery room. By this time Speck and James had arrived. We walked to the recovery room, which was just next door and by the time I was in there I was actually exhausted. I kind of figured there was something up by now. Speck and James had to leave recovery and sit in the waiting room. They attached me to 2 monitors and put a line in my arm. The 1st time the Dr did it, she pierced my vein and I just burst out crying. One because I was in pain, and secondly because I was so scared. I asked the nurse if Speck could come in because I couldn’t be alone. When she came in she just hugged me and told me it was going to be ok. Of course I didn’t believe her but I was crying so much I couldn’t even talk. The Dr told me they were going to inject this drug into my line that would slow my heart rate down but she told me I had to take all my clothes off leaving my knickers on and put on a gown. I asked why and she said it was because if my heart suddenly stops they can defib me (shock me back to life) without cutting my clothes off. This just terrified me more! Because I’d had a line put in I couldn’t really move my arm so Speck helped me undress. They put the drug in my arm and my chest felt like it was going to cave in and my arms went heavy. My heartbeat went from 136bpm to 60bpm within 1 second. I could barely breath and the within about 10 seconds I felt ok again. My heart had gone right back to 136bpm. So, they decided to put me on a ward. They put me on a cardiac ward, as it was my heart that was the reason I was there. Speck and James stayed till 10pm and then they left. I wasn’t too worried because they said if my heart was beating normally by the next day I could go home and I thought that drug was the worst done and over with.

Thursday

My heartbeat was still fast. 134bpm even after drugs called *Beta Blockers*
They calm your heart rate down. They had, but by 2 beats!!! I got hardly any sleep because of the uncomforting feeling of my chest pounding and the constant bleeps of the machines around me (not mine, I was put on a small monitor that was silent) the sounds were coming from intensive care, a few steps from my ward. No one had come to see me, Speck and James were busy but Stefan called and he was going to come a bit later.

Everything seemed ok until lunch time. I was given my lunch by one of the nurses and 1 min later the Dr and 2 nurses came into see me. I knew something was up because they came with a drip stand and a full bag. They sat on the end of my bed and told me that they we’re going to have to send me to theatre and put me to sleep then put a scope down my throat and into my stomach to scan my heart for blood clots. Then they were going to do what’s called a *Cardioversion* The Dr explained they would put me asleep and stop my heart for a few seconds and then shock me back to life again, hopefully restarting my heart back to normal rhythm. I burst into tears because I was sure I was going to die. I thought that because my heart was going so fast, under anaesthetic I would have a heart attack or when they stopped it they wouldn’t be able to get it started again. The Dr held my hand and hold me I was going to be ok. I trusted her, she was an experienced heart surgeon but I still thought my body would fail on me.

When the Dr left my bed I called Speck and she made her way down with James and Louis. Then Stefan came down then soon after Gary came. I can’t remember what time but not long after the others had arrived. Soon later Stefan arrived. While they were there, at about 7pm a Dr came over too see me. I didn’t recognise him but he came with a consent form. He asked if everyone could leave my bed so he could talk to me privately. I needed to sign it so they could go ahead with the procedure. As I was reading through it I asked him all the questions I was thinking of. The ones about a heart attack and if they would be able to 100% revive me again. He bluntly looked at me and said ‘If you don’t have this operation you’re at risk of dieing from a pulmonary embolism very soon’ On the other hand, if we stop you’re heart there’s a risk of it not starting again or you could suffer an embolism if we miss a clot. I didn’t sign the form and I told him to come back when I’d made up my mind and spoken to my mom and my friends who were there. I told them what he said and they all said I should still have it done. They all left and Stef left his DS so I didn't get so bored on my own. I was in a dilemma. If I didn’t have the operation I was pretty much going to die and if I did have it I might die while having it. WHAT THE FUCK????

Friday

I was having my op at about 12.30pm and Stefan, Gary and my dad were coming down. I was so scared and I started crying and I called out for my friend Chris, who died 5 years ago. Then my dad came around the corner and he asked what was up and I told him I was scared because I thought I was going to die. A few mins later Gary turned up then about ½ hr later Stef turned up. They went down with me to theatre but couldn’t go in. When I got into the theatre ward I tried not to cry but I just burst into tears AGAIN!!! The nurse and the Dr assured me it was all going to be ok but I was still scared. They put the defib pads on my skin before I’d gone to sleep (rub it in nicely that you’re going to have to shock me back to life, cheers!) I was given some really strong pain killer that made me feel fucking weird. I was scared but so fucked I didn’t care. I called for Chris one more time then all I remember is an oxygen mask being placed on my mouth and looking up at my nurse and then it went black. I woke up to the sound of those bloody machines bleeping again but I wasn’t complaining. I WAS ALIVE!!! I was wheeled back to my ward and ran into Stefan, Louis and James in the lift. They all sat with me and I fell back asleep. I woke up and they were all with me plus Gary and Speck. James and Speck and Louis left...I can't remember what time and then Gary and Stef left quite late but I kept waking up and falling asleep again so that night was a bit hazy. I woke up a bit later, about 8.30pm with everyone gone but a little note that Gary had left me. Bless him!

Saturday

Gary came and stayed with me all day and then later on we went for a walk, I was still dizzy and had a pounding headache so I had to let him almost carry me back. We went for a second walk after playing on Stefan’s DS and singing Akala to each other, but this time I had to have a wheel chair just incase I fell over. So Gary was pushing me about the hospital and he sang to me (so cute) Later on we went to the cinema that was built into the hospital and when we went back to my ward we went through the mental health block singing Britney Spears.

They kept me in hospital till Sunday, and then I went to my moms. Which is where I am now. So, after being told I was going to die possibly with or without the operation, I managed to live! A massive thanks to Gary for being there and making me laugh so much and coming to theatre with me! Also to Stefan for coming with me too and for lending me his DS. That thing entertained me for hours man!!! Also to my dad, Louis, Speck and James :o)

LOVE YOU ALL
XXXXXXXXXXX

You call me "Cracker", "Honkey", "Whitey" and you think it's OK.

But when I call you Kike, Towelhead, WOP, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Gook, nigger or Chink, or BLACKIE you call me a racist.


You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi
You have the NAACP.
You have BET.


If we had WET(white entertainment television) ...we'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day... you would call us racists.

If we had white history month... we'd be racists.

If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives... we'd be racists.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships...you know we'd be racists.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights...you would call us racists.

Did you know that some high school students decided to make a club for only the white students because the other ethnicities had them... they all got sent to court for being rasist but the african-american, latino, and asia clubs were not even questioned.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.



Why is it that only whites can be racists?


Now watch, I'll be a racist for posting this

Some things people need time dealing with and some things people can't get over! People can learn to deal with them but these things are never forgotten. Things happen to people which makes them wonder *whats the point?* Then they find things to keep them going. Like friends and family. But, when someone tells them to forget about the thing thats totally killed them...how can you do that? It's NOT possible.

Well, things have taken a sudden change with me and Jezz. Him and Ryan were telling me how they're gona come over on monday without tellin me, which just pissed me off. Apparently it was gona be a 'surprise'
Great surprise when i might not even be here! Then Jezz clicked on that i was pissed off, so i told him and Ryan how they can't just turn up without me knowing. That really pisses me off! Then i told them both how i was really pissed off with the fact i cant find a job and i'm totally broke and i was considering moving back to my moms coz i had my mom, bro, sis, dad and natty. Jezz went mental. Saying

'So youre gona leave me?' 'Well whatever, cheers!'

WHAT A CUNT, WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT????

Ryan on the other hand was lovely about it and said i needed to chill and think about stuff. He said he really doesn't want me to leave and he was going on about how he's gona help me find a job and ask his mates for bar work for me. He also said how he knows what it's like being away from your family. So, i decided to take things slower...(almost to a holt) with Jezz. I told him:

'How dare he be so selfish and it's not all about him'

Now we're just back as friends and i told him to not ask me out on Saturday coz i dont wana be with him. Not right now. I duno what i want! To be honest i need to sort my life out and get a job before i even start thinking about being with anyone. I told him i'm not going anywhere, which im not. I'll always like him, i don't have anyone else on my mind. I just don't know what i want from him right now. I takes me no time at all to fancy someone who's nice looking and has a nice personality but it takes me a long time to know if i wana be with someone. I feel like i'm being rushed into something that i'm not sure about. I was sure i wanted to be with him a few days ago, then last night i was like

'What the fuck am i doing?'

I've known him like 5 mins and all this stuff is happening. I've never really been with anyone before. I've never really liked anyone that much. I've fucked plently of people but that doesn't mean i wana be with them. All this shit is new to me and i'm soooo not used to it. From the way he reacted to my
'I wana go back to my mom' thing. I duno what i think of him now. He could have been a mate and said what Ryan said....and Gary, he was lovely about it too. But not Jezz, oh fucking no! Grrr....why do i even bother?

It's 5.45 in the morning and i cant sleep. So i'm helping Ricky with his horticultural work....quite interesting! As well as that i'm downloading songs and fucking about with myspace. I have a free flat till Sunday and Jezz can't come! DAMN THAT BOY! Ah well, seeing Gary on Saturday will be brilliant! Grrrr....i can't stop thinking about my Dr at the hospital that treated me a few months ago. DAMN she was fine! She's like a boy...but not; obviously. I think that's why i liked her. I like blokeish girls, and girlish boys. Then saying that Jezz isn't girlish. He's a tall black guy :o\ hahah...

Jesus, i'm gona have to go to bed in a bit...FUCKED is the word! I tried watching Jeepers Creepers 2 earlier. Shit! Then i decided to watch Tank Girl. That lasted 1/2 hr or less coz i had an urge to call Jezz. OH MY GOD DAMN he's fine! Well, tomorrow will be fun, calling up some blokey for a job at Channel 4 and applying for jobs at St Thomas's Hospital. Wish me luck....i fucking need it!

Well, after the amazing fight with Ryan my legs are bruised all over where he battered me with a drum stick. I have a bruised boob also; but how that got there remains a mystery. Probably from Ryans fist or the drum sticks (which, incidently are mine) I have a black eye from a kitchen accident, a bruised arm where Jezz punched me a few days ago and a scratch on my head EITHER from the cupboard that fell or when Ryan took a drill to my face....who knows? Sometimes Ryan forgets how strong he is and holds me down and sits on me so i can't breath and batters me. Don't mind the battering but the not being able to breath bit freaks me out quite a lot!

Note to Ryan: Please DON'T do that!

Also Jezz gets pissed and forgets i'm his girlfriend and beats me till i'm blue. Ah well....i love bruises. Bring it on!

So boys (Jezz and Gary) Round 2: Saturday on Southbank at the skate show!